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The Saga Of The European King

Mean Ol Ry


Tell us all the secrets.


Chapter 6 - The Awesome Scalp Massage.

written by Tom McNally, illustrated by Bruno Stahl

The first volume of The Saga Of The European King is destined to soon be in print. Help to fund the rest of the illustrations and the print run through Indiegogo.

The Saga of The European King on Indiegogo

You can listen to this chapter through the magic of KINGCAST

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For three days, the King and his company marched through Europe. The King knew all about marching. It was one of the things that General Majesty had taught him as a boy. Everyone marched really well with the King in charge. He was proud of them. At night, the King would amaze everyone with his coin tricks by the firelight.

They passed by the town where the King had spent his teenage years and he ordered his guys to spend the night in the town. All of the inns were soon filled up with the King’s soldiers so most of them had to sleep on the townspeople’s couches. It was cool, though, because the King personally asked if it would be okay with them.

The King had come to the town for a very particular reason. He went to a little house with a big garden with a swing in it. He walked slowly, because the memories were heavy. He knocked on the door and was greeted by a beautiful lady who was very attracted to him.

You came back!” she said. “Have you stopped being King and want to live with me now?” But the King just shook his head and gave her some flowers. They were the finest flowers in the world, and she knew it. They were magic so that they would never die and anyone who looked at them would be so happy with them and with life in general, because the flowers were Hope. He had found those flowers in the dresser drawer in a cottage belonging to a witch in the Black Forest, which is lousy with witches. He and all his friends had stabbed that witch to death because he had been tired and accidentally selected the wrong dialogue option and it had led to a fight.

Anyway, the beautiful lady cried when she saw those amazing flowers, and the King held her and he cried too, because he was in touch with his feelings. He ran his wooden fingers through the beautiful lady’s hair, and it felt nice to her. This led to a scalp massage, because the King was the best scalp masseur in the Kingdom. He had taught himself on a melon. Melons were rare in Medieval Europe, so this was a big deal.

After the scalp massage, which lasted for at least two hours, the King and the beautiful lady from that weekend long ago made love. Now, you may have a certain picture in mind when you imagine two cool people making love like they mean it, but you're only thinking that because you are gross. The King was pure and so was his love-making. His methods tied into one of his greatest powers: his Super-Chastity.

Super-Chastity is different from plain old chastity because it still allows you make love to ladies and have kids. The King had made a lot of love in his time, but not in the way that you and I would. Our kind sucks, quite frankly. When the King makes love to a lady or a girl, first he psyches himself with his poppers and then every one of his hearts beats in a certain rhythm of pure magic while he makes complicated hand gestures. Love then seeps out of every pore in his body as a kind of golden vapour and he is able to scoop it up in his hands and rub it in his hair. He can then shape it and throw it around, like bubble gum that is lighter than air or a balloon animal made of beauty. He can rub over the most erogenous of the zones, spread it like a paste or condense it into a battering ram. The King didn't even have to touch a lady to make love to her. He was so good at making love that he was able to do it at a distance. One hundred paces, two hundred paces, whatever you like, and he was always improving. When the King wanted to have a kid, he would spend a long time with a lady working up a huge amount of love. It could take days, or even mega-days. Then, when they had enough, he and the lady would sculpt all of that raw love into a child, which would be awoken to life by a kiss from the new mother and a roar from the King.

The most important part of Super-Chastity lifestyle is that is makes you stronger. A lot of the King's strength and chi comes from the fact that he is Super-Chaste. Not all of it, of course. If he were to lose his freaking mind and stop being Super-Chaste all of a sudden, he wouldn't be some dumb weakling. The reason you've got to know this is because some bad stuff is coming down the line. There's going to be a Traitor and Europe is going to go through a dark time or two. It's going to be scary. People are going to die. It's going to look like all hope is lost, but actually it won't be. You guys are going to have to trust in the King to make it all awesome again. It's important that you know about all of his powers, even the kinda secret ones like the Super-Chastity.

And look, I know you all trusted in the King before, but it was like you weren't getting the whole story. You'll be able to trust easier now.

And there, in the beautiful lady's bedroom, with her paintings up on the walls, her indie rock playing on the iPod and the King's golden, glittering love clinging to every surface, the King told the beautiful lady that he was on his way to kill Winter with a quarter of his army and a handful of Adventure Friends. She understood, but she looked up at him and asked, “If you kill Winter, wouldn't there then follow plague and ecological collapse? Isn't life adapted to accommodate the harsher seasons? Surely Winter is not our enemy, but instead is our partner in the eternal cosmic dance of life and death, famine and plenty? If our partner were to abandon us, would we not lose our rhythm, then our footing, then fall? Surely Europe would be defeated by its victory over Winter?”

The King laughed. It was a rich and throaty laugh, and all that heard it were happy.

No,” he said. “That is all wrong.” She understood.

In the morning, after some primo love-making, she led him through to the stables. There, right where the King had left him, was Gappy the reindeer, who had been a close friend since childhood. He was a magic reindeer. There was no limit to the number of people who could ride on him. He whinnied and snorted in glee when the King approached, because it had been a long time. The King laughed in delight, and everyone who heard him was happy. The King gave him a carrot, which he liked.

The King saddled up Gappy, and every one of the two hundred thousand soldiers in his company rode out of town on his back. The beautiful lady went back to waiting for the King. She didn’t even have a job.


End Of Chapter 6

<= Chapter Five: This Part Happens In A Place Apart From The Main Place | Go back to the main page | Chapter Seven: This Part Is Important, It Comes Up Later =>